New Blog Site...

So, I know. I 've been away for a while but now I am back. Unfortunately, I have started a new blog. Check it out...


http://findingrelevance.wordpress.com

See you there

The Holy Spirit is frustrating!

The hardest part of ministry is definitely the Holy Spirit. Let me explain, first there is the example of ministering to people through scripture lessons, sermons or preaching. You spend hours and days preparing, studying, erasing and rewriting to obtain the perfect form for which you want to present the text and 'life-changing' point to the congregation, or group.

Then you spend days before, during and after the writing in prayer and meditation over the subject and moment that you are going to speak, asking God to touch the lives of those that hear it. And when the hour draws near, you spend all your energy with your deliver, passion and heart so that you may entertain, but most importantly point people to the truth of God.

And as you end the service with an 'Amen. Now lets sing this last chorus...,' you anxiously await the tears, shuttering hands and heavy eyes of people who have been truly touch by God in the moment of truth that was presented to them. And as the last person files out of the sanctuary, Sunday School classroom, or youth building, the closest thing to a declaration of salvation is a pat on the back and a "Good sermon! You really preached it today."

...

Now, you are left with your own mind and will, rewinding through the entire moment, confused, wondering if you left out the punch line in the joke, or brought the mood down too quick and that's where you lost them. And discouragement continues to build and build inside of you until it overflows in your heart, only to push you to work more hours and longer sessions of preparation for next week's lesson.


And the second example is this. Brought into a new position being able to see everything from the inside out with enough experience and training to know what needs work, what needs to be used and what needs to be killed off. And as you begin to weed through the mess of the programs doing what you do best and what you were hired for, it strikes.

You find the open wound of the group, of the program. Something that you know, that you have spent hours upon hours of praying for, something slowly taking away time and effectiveness. The crowd goes silent as you approach the subject, the program to begin to work through it and find success through it, but it is the people's sentiment, their comfort, their knowing of truth.

So you spend hours weaving together a cushion, a net to catch the fall, the collapse. And as you circle the event with love and compassion, knowing that God is working through this...resistance! And over and over again, encountering resistance, the weight of rumors and corruption; you become the target.

"All they need is time..." says God. But how long is 'time' in aspect to the view of God.


It's exciting to watch people grow. It's exciting to watch God touch lives of the people and work through situation for the betterment of someone's soul. And it's bittersweet to watch the pain that God works within someone's life.

But the Holy Spirit is frustrating. You expect outcomes, visual outcomes that you can judge your work by. The Holy Spirit works on the heart, it guides people through their soul. You want the acceptance from words and actions to feel your appreciation. The Holy Spirit works within the walls of the bodies home, bring to light what was in the dark within the soul.

You expect the tears and kneeling at the alter. The Holy Spirit brings weeks of chiseling at the heart's walls. You expect sudden change and acceptance for the better program. The Holy Spirit brings inner struggle of the heart's contentment.

But thank God we don't have to wear the weight of someone else's heart, of someone else's inner struggle of contentment. Thank God that you only have to worry about your own heart.

It is by Christ we have been saved, and brought us a helper, the Holy Spirit. It is not by Curtis that we have been saved, and he didn't bring us a helper, his conscience.

Sometimes I shake my fist at God saying, "I want answer. I want verification." And the only thing I have ever heard is, "I Am your answer. I Am your verification."

And thus lies the problem with the Holy Spirit!

Listen in Darkness...

What an incredible text to read this morning with my coffee. For some reason or another, I continue to find myself in Galatians, reading the same thing over and over finding new joy and hope in it each time.

But why so important to me? How does this change my heart?

I am a person of rules. I have 'To Do' lists all over my desk at work. My wife has to write down things that she wants me to accomplish during the day so I know what to do. I live by a calendar. I am a person that without rules, I am worthless, useless.

My life is governed by rules so that chaos is unable to enter in and disrupt my responsibilities. If I don't have it written down and made into something to aim for, then it becomes something irrelevant and forgotten.

And even in my spiritual life with Christ, I am governed by my own set of rules; to be a successful Youth Minister, I have to be this type of person, set this type of example. And with that example, I have to have a 'quiet time' and build my relationship with Christ so that I am not lacking in faith. I have to read scripture so that I am knowledgeable of the text in case I have to point someone to it. I have to pray because that is the supreme act of Christianity.

And as I move about life, I constantly hold myself to a standard set by these rules, and soon, I become governed by guilt. Which in response to guilt, I try harder to follow these rules only to find myself caught in the everlasting circle of pain and suffering.

But the reason I find myself in Galatians, constantly enthralled in the text, finding glorious release is because God is changing my heart. Because all these things are coming to the surface and God deals with them in me, but most importantly, I am excited to let them go.

"Before this faith came, we were confined under the law, imprisoned until the coming faith was revealed." (Galatians 3:23)

I was under the assumption that God set the law (given to Moses, the Ten Commandments) so that the people could have a standard to judge their life by, so the people could obtain salvation. Just as I have set a standard for which I judge my life.

"Now the promise was spoken to Abraham and to his seed. He did not say, 'and to seeds,' as though referring to many, but to Abraham's seed, referring to one, who is Christ.' (Galatians 3:16)

"...the law, which came 430 years later, does not revoke a covenant that was previously ratified by God, so as to cancel the promise." (Galatians 3:17)

So God made the promise first, and then established the rules (boundaries) some time later? And the promise was redemption through Christ (vs. 16)? So then, what does the law mean; why was it written if it would not have to do with the promise?

What about my rules? My standard? What is the purpose of them if the promise was Christ, not a standard (rules) of living; something to gauge your life with?

"Is the law therefore contrary to God's promises? Absolutely not! For if a law had been given that was able to give life, then righteousness would certainly be by the law. But the Scripture has imprisoned everything under sin's power..." (Galatians 3:21-22)

The law was not given so that people could obtain life, for if it was then we would all fail miserably while we continually find ourselves in guilt due to failure. Yet, the law was indeed given to prove to us our need for something else; it shows us our sin!

The rules (boundaries) was God's way of saying, "You need me, not yourselves!" We were never meant to live up to the standard of the law. That was not the point. It showed us that we were unable to live up to that standard. God was showing us that 'we' could not do it! Someone else had to do it for us.

And in the finally act of pursuing, Christ died on a cross so that the law may not hold us in judgment, but that Christ died so we have no rules, but faith.

Christ died so I could fall in love with Him, and live with Him, and grow in Him. And now I am learning that my standard for my spiritual life, for being a successful Youth Minister, is fading away so that I may be a lover of God.

It is a new found freedom and freedom from captivity in the 'law,' in my law! And know I do so because of the love of Christ. So I urge you to do the same. Find freedom in Christ, not rules or standards. Be a lover of God!

Yearning...

So, someone told me a few weeks ago that they were concerned with me because all my blogs and facebook post, etc., have been dark and depressing. So if you are in the same boat and agree with them, I must apologize. Life is actually wonderful.

Honestly, in the past few months, God has been pressing me very hard with His spirit which is making me a better person, as well as more confident in God. Yet, the things that come along with that can hurt pretty bad, so for the most part, my spirit has been crying out in the midst as God continues to deal with deep wounds within me to bring me to a higher point.

And I bring this up today because I sit here this morning with a very joyful, but broken spirit. If I haven't learned my lesson so far, if you ask something from God, 100% of the time you will get it. This can be a huge blessing for so many people, except when you are being 'moved in the spirit' one day, and then you ask for something without thinking about the process in which it occurs.

Here is what I mean, yesterday during morning services I approached the alter during prayer time. This being directly after having an amazing conversation with a few student in the "7 Things Christians Do" class about the simplicity of the gospel. So, in my heart, I felt very overwhelmed by the things Christ is doing within me and the students in this ministry.

So as I was kneeling at the alter, praying to God all the prayer requests of the bulletin and also, for the students, I begin saying over and over, "Stir my heart, O God! Stir my heart, O God!" Stir my heart, deepen my passions, captivate my affections. This is some pretty heavy stuff, hence, I did not think through the process in which it would occur!

So, as we gathered last night for a special time of prayer and candle-lit worship, my spirit just broke and my heart became very overwhelmed with compassion and anguish, all in one. These students, who sat around the room (30-40 of them), were singing and praying, spending time with their Father, but they need Jesus, I need Jesus.

Yet, we don't fully understand the meaning of that, that we need Jesus. And I looked across the room at all the faces (some more than others) and my spirit began to weep for all of us. We are a group that is attuned to finding Jesus in what we do, when Jesus is a God of being.

"It is by grace that you are saved, through faith..." (Ephesians 2)

My body, and spirit yearn for the students to see that. So much so, my body physically ached for them. Sure, there are a lot of other issues that need to be resolved, but we have to start with a foundation, the foundation of the Gospel.

My heart is being stirred for them, that they may find Jesus in the fullest and experience the greatness that is Him. My heart is being stirred for them, that their spirits are broken because of their savior and they begin to yearn for the life of Christ. My heart is being stirred for them, that they would not pass this moment by!

So that is where I am at, not depressed, just learning and growing and depending on in Him. Today, I am resting. I will admit, that I am sore from yesterday.

But, life is very joyous and there are so many things to be joyous about. And God is in the midst of stirring my heart, and that is a great place to be. My prayers are with my wife, and my students and with you, the reader.

Passion is an amazing thing. But I warn you, whatever you ask of God, he will give to you.

The sin of guilt...

So in my 'quiet time' this morning, I learned about 'quiet time.' Which is interesting enough since one of the books I am reading right now is how to refuel your connection with God in your 'quiet time' (Refuel by Doug Fields).

And just last night in my reading, the book spoke of the guilt that is attributed to going days without some sort of connection with God and then feeling as though you have wronged God in doing that. And then, in my journal (My Utmost For His Highest Journal) this morning, the scripture lesson was over the distinction between hearing God willingly and choosing to go without hearing Him.

"Okay God. So apparently you want me to learn something about listening? I couldn't really tell, I was not paying attention."

But then I began to think about how many of us christians do this tango with the Almighty, pressing in hard to Him with a deep commitment of, "Yes, I am going to actually do it this time. I am going to wake up each morning and spend time with God." After 3 days of following through, we think we deserve a break because of the tremendous task we are taking on our shoulders of pressing into God (I mean, He is pretty big).

By the time day 5 roles along, we forgot we bought that new journal with gold-leaf pages (only to mimick the bible and give a sense of importance to our writing as if to say, 'The words I write down are God inspired') and we would rather watch the morning news or lay in bed for an extra 5 minutes before starting your day.

So by the time your pastor gives another sermon about pressing deeper into God and how great and easy it is to spend time with Jesus, it's only a new journal and $19.99 later you find yourself awake at 5.00am praying, "God, I'm so sorry for breaking my commitment to you last time. But I am going to try super, super hard this time to really do this. I mean, I really suck at this whole christian thing, but I want to be better. I really do!'

So we start again with a fresh renewal of guilt that is only telling you in some way, you let God down. What a shame!

Sound familiar? I hope so or else now you all know what my 'quiet time' consist of everyday.

So how do we respond? After days and weeks and years of going on with life without letting God in on your day, how are we to correctly respond? I can really only think of this scripture (well, I can think of a lot given the vast collegiate career in theology I endured, but only this one seems relevant at the time), the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32).

The youngest boy decided one day that he is done with his family, so he takes what he can get and runs to Las Vegas, gambled it all away, drank his problems under the table, partied with Paris and Britney, went to a few shows and by 5 o'clock that afternoon, realized he was broke. It was fun while it lasted, I guess!

So after a few years of wallowing in his self-pity and guilt, he found himself entertaining the idea returning home to his family (surely, they had an guillotine waiting for him). So with his white-flag held high, and his head held low, he went marching back to the little town of Odessa, TX.

But his dad embraced him joyfully (instead of asking for a dumb excuse as to why Britney Spears and Paris Hilton were more important).

So, I can only think that when we return to God, or include Him in on our day (after a long pause in our time of 'quiet') that He is joyful at our faith in Him. I can only think that He is joyful that someone is wrestling and struggling with being closer to Him.

Guilt got us no where. The only good thing guilt got us was a new bible, 7 new journals with 90% of the pages un-doodled on, and days of wishes and wants.

So I think your 'quiet time,' however you do it, is more like a party (I like cake!). I think that it is a joyous time for us and God. It is you and I wrestle with faith. It is you and I finding ourselves dealing with the mystery that is God, giving only what we know to give.

Enjoy your time with God. Don't sit in your 'quiet time' filled with guilt because it's been 3 hours since you've had your last one (2 more than what your pastor thinks is appropriate).

Next time, don't apologize for the long amount of time that you have spent not including God. Instead, feel bad that you missed the party yesterday that was in your honor. And don't fret, there is another party being hosted today for you too. And tomorrow.

Something to Share:

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth..." and all that was created within our reach of reality has been created and masterfully woven together by the creator, the Father. And just as a sculptor examines his work at the end of each day so does God examine his work so that all of creation may be created to perfection in the way God has chosen perfection to be defined. As He criticizes His work, making sure every piece is absolutely flawless, He is able to break himself from the day concluding his hour with "It is good," it is perfect. This is how it is meant to be.

And for 6 days of continuous work creating everything within our reach of reality, at the end the sculptor looks at his sculpture and says, "It is good," it is perfectly matched to the single definition of perfection as God has chosen it to be defined. And through this task of creation, life began in us and in our reality and God created humans. But not just any type of people, people who would walk alongside the creator in harmony and companionship.

And through this perfection of creation, there was the beautiful creation of choice. People would not be forced into this companionship with God but they would have the ability to grow in their emotional, logical and physical state towards their relationship with God. And within that, a human's perspective of perfection is wrong. And with that came the fall of man from the harmony and companionship that God had created within His perfection.

-CT

Christ in a week!

"Come to me all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" (Matthew)

I love this scripture. It's so real, yet speaks to the heart of all people. We all are searching for a sense of belonging.

We live in a world of 'busy'ness and schedules and agendas. It never stops. And as we are falling into line of today's hourly meeting and work deadlines, all we have to look forward to is tomorrow's calendar, tomorrow's schedule, and tomorrow's agenda.

A Story:

I had come from being born and raised in 'slowdessa', TX when I first moved to the metroplex. Even as a High School student, being involved in numerous activities and a plenitude of friends (not that I am arrogant), I was used to the slow-paced life; something that allowed plenty of time to be bored.

So, when God called me to the DFW, my first hump to crawl over was the drastic change in scheduling. Within 3 months of taking a Youth Ministry job (November 2006), I was asked to produce a summer calendar so that families could begin to plan their activities.

WHAT!?!

I haven't even got through Christmas, and I am suppose to be thinking about June?

"Something is seriously wrong with this picture!"

I continued to think this to myself as I threw dates on a calendar without even knowing what we would do during those weeks (a weekend Frisbee Football retreat sounds good now...but is seriously a bad idea).

But I remember making a promise to myself that day that I would never conform to that lifestyle; the lifestyle of being overly busy, looking forward to tomorrow and missing the boringness of today.

Fast forward to February 11th, 2009, sitting in my chair (you know, the ugly, brown with stains, man-chair that matches nothing in the house), having a cup of coffee thinking to myself...

"Man, you know what would be really awesome to do in August...of 2011..."

Oh no! I broke my promise. I have broken into the mold of scheduling something during every hour of everyday and then, looking forward to what tomorrow brings. Where's my time of being bored!?! I don't even have time to catch up on the shows that I have DVRed.

Thank God that we have Christ. The one who lived this life first so that we shall follow in his footsteps. The one who gives me strength to wake up and continue on in my bored-free life.

Also, this morning I realized I am having to schedule Him into my life. He has become an hour at the certain part of the day, on a certain day of the week that I meet with Him.

But, no fear, I am in the ministry. I do the whole "Jesus" thing at work everyday, so my bases are covered.

Man, I'm so off!

I am the weary and burdened. I can't do this life, this schedule, this agenda without Him. I am the one that needs His rest, His belonging. My priorities are construed. My belief statement is missing a few words. My God is missing me.

I need to reprioritize. I need to stop and think. I need to reorganize. I need to do this and that and this and that.

I need to find time to find time. This is my need at this time, Jesus! So though I broke my promise and my times of boredom have become more scarce, the initiative has to be to reprioritize.

Hmmm....I have Friday open?

With all seriousness set aside...

Here are videos that are sure to tickle you funny bone. It sure has mine!














I had to share this one with you. I thought it was quite humorous and yet depressing. Enjoy!

Jesus vs. Common Sense

No wonder the Nation of Israel were always dismayed with God so often; because He's not a God of common sense! And today, at this point, I find myself right alongside of them looking up the skies with my head cocked to the right, hands in the air, and a contorted face trying to make sense of this in my head, logically.

Follow me on this. We are asked to surrender our lives to Christ (John 6:52-56), give all our possessions away (Luke 18:22), and don't even worry about eating (Matthew 4:4)...and by the way, even though you do all that, in God's name of course, others might kill you or simply make your life a living hell (John 15:20-21). Mmmmm...yummy!

But common sense tells us, survival of the fittest. People will try to take things from you and rob you of many things, so protect yourself and your family; your me's and my's.

No wonder the Israelites kept finding other things to worship. None of this makes any sense. Even thousands of years later, I am sitting here with my cup of coffee and Bible saying, "Tell me again God why I should love you this much."

And those of you who know my family and I, you have been witness to the many struggles we have gone through over the past month and a half. Each week, there is something new that we have to face and I find myself getting out of bed slower and slower with each passing morning.

Yet, I have been closest to God in the past month then I have...well...ever really. I have been listening to Him, and searching Him, and sitting with Him, but yet, life stinks right now.

There is a common phrase that when we press into God, Satan presses against us. And as more and more is thrown at us, I search God for answers. Today His answer:

Take no thought for you life.
(Matthew 6:25)

Ha! Well at least He has a sense of humor about it!

My journals says, "Common sense shouts loud and says, 'That is absurd, I must consider how I am going to live, I must consider what I am going to eat and drink.' Jesus says you must not...Jesus Chrsit knows our circumstances better than we do, and He says we must not think about these things so as to make them the one concern of our life." (MUfHH, January 27th)

Great! Now I have to delete this blog.

So merely, it is a battle between Jesus and common sense in my life. All I can come up with is, it is God trying to strip me of faith in myself and fill me with faith in Him. He is not orchestrating all the circumstances that are attributed with these past months, but He is the coach leading me throughout the game, the voice in my ear. And I see the goaline, but the defense is far from being worn out.

So I have just one questions, "How many timeouts do I have left?"

Discouraged

See, for the past month, things just continued to go wrong. Not in any catastrophic or devastating way but more of a subtle, slowly poking at my joy type of wrong.

A month ago, I started this journal and committed myself to doing it for an entire year. And, to be completely honest, this is the longest commitment I have ever made in trying to press close to God. It's been well over a month and I have stumbled and fell 34 of those 35 days but I have kept determination in doing so.

But I guess in doing this, somewhere along the road, I became a threat. I have been overwhelmingly happy and joyful for the past month. I had focus in what I wanted to do in and with my life. I wanted to spend more time in my marriage and I wanted to share more love with students.

But time after time again, things around me were struck down; with illness, with death, with disappointment, with poor finances, with struggles in marriage, etc. All these things hit within the course of 31 days, and I am still waiting for the rain to dry up.

And I tried to hold my time with God sacred through all of it, continually speaking to Him and hearing Him speak to me in the midst of it, but it was wearing me out. I woke up this past Saturday exhausted and now, 4 days later, I'm finding it hard to keep my feet on the ground. I'm worn out!


"I have given them Your word ; and the world has hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. I do not ask You to take them out of the world, but to keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. Sanctify them in the truth ; Your word is truth. (John 17:14-17)


God's word is perfect, there is no doubt about that. And though, I am refreshed constantly in His spirit, my earthly body grows weak and tired, affecting every aspect of my life. Simply, we are being attacked by the enemies.

So I search for God today, looking for answers to overcome this battle:


For to this end Christ died and lived again, that He might be Lord both of the dead and of the living. But you, why do you judge your brother? Or you again, why do you regard your brother with contempt? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God. (Romans 14: 9-10)


So I continue on not find my answer, but hoping for an end to this chaos. And today, I shall not judge my brother!

-CT